Any Sunday

  I woke up this morning with a heavy heart for so many things, my children, friends going through trials, my work, concerns of life. Not surprisingly, my husband Jim woke up feeling that way too, especially for our children.

  You raise your children, loving them, teaching them, praying for them (lots of praying), praying that what you give them will sustain them and help them grow and prepare them for what lies ahead. As Jim and I discussed our concerns we came to the same conclusion we always come to. Jesus Jesus Jesus. We are all so flawed and left to ourselves we fail. It's all about letting GOD.

  So I dressed my burdened self and went to church where I opened my bulletin to see the words "Worry Free" at the top of the page. The songs chosen for the service were "God Will Take Care of You", one my Mama used to sing to me, "Burdens Are Lifted At Calvary" and the choir sang from the hymnal "Heaven Came Down", you know, that says "now I've a hope that will surely endure, after the passing of time". The Lord was definitely trying to tell me something specific now wasn't He? Isn't He amazing? Then we sang "I  cast all my care upon You, I will lay all of my burdens down at Your feet. And anytime I don't know what to do, I will cast all my care upon You". Well, the tears came and the Lord wrapped me up right there in my pew, my heavy heart feeling lighter and me, once again awed by my Saviour and God. He was way ahead of me. What if I had decided not to go to church today?
  Well, then Courtney sang " Learning to Be the Light", one of my favorites, and Brother Dick Byers began to speak from Acts about King Agrippa. King Agrippa told the Apostle Paul "ALMOST thou hast persuaded me". That is his legacy to us "almost, but lost". It came to me while I listened to the message that too many of us profess to be "persuaded" and live like we're "almost persuaded".  Satan likes us there, professing Christ Jesus, while holding on to sin and behaviors that are so far from Him.
  The invitation hymn was "I Surrender All" a very significant song for my family. Jeremiah and Lindsay chose it to be sung for their dedication of Elijah and Kate, then only a couple weeks later we stood and sang it in all realization, saying good bye to our cherished grandson Asher. "All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give".
  What a Sunday morning I had! The Lord has lovingly made Himself known to me today with clear instructions for dealing with both my burdens and my sin. I am not ashamed to tell you that I am totally and utterly dependant on my LORD. Praise His Blessed Name!

  

Proverbs 31 Bothers Me!

  I know it sounds a little crazy for a believer like me, in her fifties, having been gloriously saved at a young age to say this but, Proverbs 31 Bothers Me! 

  It starts with warnings about "not giving your strength unto women" or "to ways that destroyeth kings". It proceeds to warn of the dangers of wine and strong drink, then recommends  occasions when "drink" would be appropriate, at death and when depressed, maybe to forget. I will leave that part alone for now, but what really bugs me comes next.

    The part that bothers me and has for years, starts in verse 10. "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies". This is the verse we have heard a thousand times, every Mother's Day, at Mother/Daughter Banquets and surely every Woman's Retreat or Conference I have ever been to. 

  This woman loves and respects her husband, takes good care of her children, tends diligently to her home. She rises early, making sure everyone in her household is fed, she is considered wise in business, she is productive, even till late hours in the day. She is charitable, never lazy, kind and "looks well" to her home and family. She is the splendid example of what we all as Christian mothers and wives, women, want to be.

    To address the initial question, let me say, " I can". My life has been "full" of this "kind" of woman. Both of my Mothers were a Proverbs 31 woman, women in my church taught me, and lived lives before me that brought THIS woman to life before my eyes everyday. I praise them and I believe their families have "risen up and called them blessed", but what about the ones that never HEAR a word of praise? What about those who never hear a word of thanks, who never receive praise, either publicly or privately? How painful this passage must be.

  This chapter has always held the strongest reminder to me, that we must not find our identity in the things of this earth. Not even our families, no matter how loving. We are the daughters of Almighty God, bought with a price, not our own. Our families may never "rise up", some husbands will never "call us blessed".  The woman that fears the Lord, honors Him, serves as unto Him, "SHE shall be praised". 

  I will continue to discuss this chapter with the Lord. Maybe He will change my perspective or maybe that is the message God intended for me as I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

While We Wait

  I kissed his little head for the last time, layed him on the blanket and said "Wait for me". Our life without Asher had begun, but how was I supposed to live when I couldn't breathe? Couldn't think? Was my heart still beating?
  Minutes before, while I rocked and sang to my precious grandson, I ask God to just take MY breath and put it in Asher. Take me and give him back to his Mama and Daddy, but even as I thought the words I knew that life and death were not for me to decide. I would never want to leave Kate, Elijah and Vera, to miss their growing up. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. The Mom in me wanted to "fix" this horrible thing that had taken Asher from us. I was powerless.
  As a family we had rejoiced at learning our 4th grandchild was a boy. Each of our married sons would have one of each, a son and a daughter, perfect. Now, as a family, we were faced with great loss. Its the kind of loss that tests who you are and forces you to decide who God really is. I was trusting the same Jesus my Mama and Daddy had given me, to wrap His arms around MY baby (all grown up) and bring comfort to him that Jim and I could not. Had I done enough to get him through this, with his love for the Lord still strong?
   I had never known pain like this.  This was UNBELIEVABLE grief. How would we ever live without him?
  As I walked to my car that morning, I couldn't understand how the sun dared to shine and people were mulling around like nothing had happened. I would never see Asher nursing at his Mama's breast, never see him snuggled under the covers with his sister or wrestling in the yard with his Daddy. When Nolan had called to tell us Asher was gone, I had wanted to run, just run, out into the darkness. I don't know why. Now, I just wanted the world to notice our baby was gone.
  Isaiah 43:2 "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee". Samantha ask for this verse during her labor. You will notice it doesn't say " if you love me you will never pass through the waters" or "never find yourself walking through the fire", it says WHEN. When those unbearable days come, when you can't go on, when your heart is so broken, HE IS THERE.
  The cause was a "true knot" in his cord. I had seen the same knot at his father's birth, only loose. Asher had left the warmth and comfort of his mother's womb for the waiting arms of my Jesus.
  I had found it impossible to leave him there at the hospital and could only walk away after they had come and taken his little body to the funeral home. Something wouldn't let me walk away from him. I was glad when Samantha ask me to stay.  
   At the funeral, we sang "I Surrender All" understanding for the first time what that really means. Samantha and Nolan had felt the many prayers for them and had drawn from a well of strength they didn't know they had. Over those days they had faced many things they never thought they would.
  At graveside, I again, was struggling at the thought of walking away from Asher, but forced one foot in front of the other when a clear thought came from the Lord, "You are not walking AWAY from him, but TOWARD him." Yes, we were not leaving him, but moving closer to seeing him again with every step, every hour, every day of life. Our separation from Asher is temporary, made so by the precious blood of our Savior Jesus Christ. 
   I will think of him everyday. I will picture him in heaven surrounded by people who love him. I will live a life that honors the Godly man I know he would be. I will remember with joy, his brief time on earth and with tears, his brief time in my arms.
  Each of us has dealt differently with this loss. Asher would have been someone different to each of us, a son, a brother, grandson and nephew, so our pain has been unique. At times it is still a struggle. Tears still come. We still seek the Lord's comfort. I have found His promises true and in His presence there is peace. While we wait.

 
 

Chain of Love

  I haven't blogged for a while. I've been on emotional overload, too much to share. If I had, it might have just been ramblings OR that sentimental menopausal mix that you have to be another woman in her fifties to understand. We have our own code, don't you know.
  Jim and I had our 32nd Anniversary in October. Now I don't know how that happened when we just got married oh, I don't know, 10 years ago?! ANYWAY, it was a lovely day, just us.
  We have lived through quite a lot since our last anniversary. We lost a grandchild, life changing. Losing Asher was not something we were prepared for, but the Lord knew and He carries us. We married off our youngest son, so we are ALONE. We stay up as late as we want, sleep in if we please and buy groceries we actually get to eat. Neat!
  When we were married in 1979, one of the songs we claimed as "our song" was "Danny's Song" sung by Ann Murray, written by Kenny Loggins. It is amazing how it still "fits" us.
  While our "chain of love" has grown considerably, I am so thankful we continue to share our mornings, our "tears of joy" and know that "every thing's gonna be alright". God has been so good.

Oh, the seventies.

  I love this quote from one of my favorite John Wayne movies, "McClintock!". "All the gold in the US treasury and all the harp music in heaven can't equal what happens between a man and a woman with all that growing together". I'd do it all again and I want 32 more years.