While We Wait

  I kissed his little head for the last time, layed him on the blanket and said "Wait for me". Our life without Asher had begun, but how was I supposed to live when I couldn't breathe? Couldn't think? Was my heart still beating?
  Minutes before, while I rocked and sang to my precious grandson, I ask God to just take MY breath and put it in Asher. Take me and give him back to his Mama and Daddy, but even as I thought the words I knew that life and death were not for me to decide. I would never want to leave Kate, Elijah and Vera, to miss their growing up. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. The Mom in me wanted to "fix" this horrible thing that had taken Asher from us. I was powerless.
  As a family we had rejoiced at learning our 4th grandchild was a boy. Each of our married sons would have one of each, a son and a daughter, perfect. Now, as a family, we were faced with great loss. Its the kind of loss that tests who you are and forces you to decide who God really is. I was trusting the same Jesus my Mama and Daddy had given me, to wrap His arms around MY baby (all grown up) and bring comfort to him that Jim and I could not. Had I done enough to get him through this, with his love for the Lord still strong?
   I had never known pain like this.  This was UNBELIEVABLE grief. How would we ever live without him?
  As I walked to my car that morning, I couldn't understand how the sun dared to shine and people were mulling around like nothing had happened. I would never see Asher nursing at his Mama's breast, never see him snuggled under the covers with his sister or wrestling in the yard with his Daddy. When Nolan had called to tell us Asher was gone, I had wanted to run, just run, out into the darkness. I don't know why. Now, I just wanted the world to notice our baby was gone.
  Isaiah 43:2 "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee". Samantha ask for this verse during her labor. You will notice it doesn't say " if you love me you will never pass through the waters" or "never find yourself walking through the fire", it says WHEN. When those unbearable days come, when you can't go on, when your heart is so broken, HE IS THERE.
  The cause was a "true knot" in his cord. I had seen the same knot at his father's birth, only loose. Asher had left the warmth and comfort of his mother's womb for the waiting arms of my Jesus.
  I had found it impossible to leave him there at the hospital and could only walk away after they had come and taken his little body to the funeral home. Something wouldn't let me walk away from him. I was glad when Samantha ask me to stay.  
   At the funeral, we sang "I Surrender All" understanding for the first time what that really means. Samantha and Nolan had felt the many prayers for them and had drawn from a well of strength they didn't know they had. Over those days they had faced many things they never thought they would.
  At graveside, I again, was struggling at the thought of walking away from Asher, but forced one foot in front of the other when a clear thought came from the Lord, "You are not walking AWAY from him, but TOWARD him." Yes, we were not leaving him, but moving closer to seeing him again with every step, every hour, every day of life. Our separation from Asher is temporary, made so by the precious blood of our Savior Jesus Christ. 
   I will think of him everyday. I will picture him in heaven surrounded by people who love him. I will live a life that honors the Godly man I know he would be. I will remember with joy, his brief time on earth and with tears, his brief time in my arms.
  Each of us has dealt differently with this loss. Asher would have been someone different to each of us, a son, a brother, grandson and nephew, so our pain has been unique. At times it is still a struggle. Tears still come. We still seek the Lord's comfort. I have found His promises true and in His presence there is peace. While we wait.